Wednesday, 17 June 2009


They passed half distance of their usual evening walk. She kept her silence as always where she wanted him to begin.But as usual his mind was wandering somewhere. Always she waited for his words, she loved it. In other way, she always felt herself special by listening him and to respond. But today she can't. Today she doesn't want to feel herself important. She just want to let him know that she loves him. She wanted to express it. She felt a similar kind of pain when she used to hide herself from others. She felt her ego was showing gestures within her heart. Now, If she is not opening her mouth , she might die!!

She looked at him. He is walking slowly. He is smiling slightly like when he is really happy. He rarely laugh. He smiles openly. But the mild one comes very occasionally. He may be thinking about the day. She was sure that today he really feels like a successful person in life. And the thing which she is going to tell him, she is afraid that if it will break his world or will make him completely silent. Anyway, she must tell.

She starts, "Shall i tell u something(Duh! again ego...!) ?" She felt he startled slightly. He turned his head to her side and "still u need my permission dear?" An open smile comes. "Im listening" he told. "I Love U" that came fast from her.He again turned to her and told "i know" and gave her a killing smile. She felt like crying. She continued "No, u dont know." Now smiles gave space to surprise. She cant wait for his next dialogue. So, "I am sorry dear. I were lying all these times. When we met, u were not special for me. When u told me that u love me.. i didnt know how to reply. I liked u but as any other friends or any lovable person in my life. I was confused for what reason u r loving me. For me or for anyone else in this world, i was not that special that make them tell me those three golden words. When u told me that u want to marry me i simply agreed becoz u were not a demanding person and in an arranged marriage too i wont get another option." She sighed "Im sorry that im hurting u but i cant help it."

He told "I am listening. Pls continue." She gulped, "in our marriage, i stood with u bcoz i was very sure that u'll be a great son for my parents. Our marriage, we both tried our maximum to make it happen and it happened. We were happy. U never questioned me and i never did it back. U were a hunderd times better son to my family and i hope i too have done my maximum to be a part of ur family. I have to say that im blessed to have ur parents as my in-laws. We started living together. I started loving ur days, ur smell, ur love, ur care, ur worries,ur tensions, ur job, ur relations, ur world and so on. Gradually they became 'ours'. Our world, our children and our life. I didnt miss my world but i was thinking that i have been missing not my world but myself. I was trying to say myself that i got into ur life bcoz i didnt find any other choice. All these days u always proved that u r too good for me which was making me feel guilty. A thousand times u've told me that u love me. I was ashamed to say it back. I could never put me in such a situation where i am saying it back. I was scared to love u. I was panic and confused whether i deserved u. I am sorry that i couldnt love u as u did. My complexes didnt let me to accept wheather we could be an ideal pair. I always felt that u deserved a much better wife. My ego retaliated ur love. I always questioned the ideality of our relation. I am really sorry. But now.. after all these years when im looking back in me, im not able to see myself. Im only seeing u. There is no I. There is only ur love and i am complete with it or u made me complete. U gave me everything in my life. Now even its really really late, but still I must say that I love u and im only loving u. I know u wont get angry with my words, but please dont punish yourself .Please dont do that."

He is walking. A cool breeze went thorugh them. After 2 minutes silence "shall we sit there for a while?" he asked by pointing a bench on the sideway. They sat. Again silence. She is sitting half bend with a fallen face. He's now having a faraway look on something but in contradiction to the state of, few mins back.. she knew now his mind is with her, just near to her. After a few bits, his husky brusqueness came to her followed by a heavy sigh, "As u know, im not angry but how can i let myself from not punishing me since i made u to do it till now? When i told u first time that i love u i didnt have anything else except my love. U taught me to dream and fulfill my necessittates, my family, my relations. U r the one who reminded my responsibilities. U r the person who let me create my own, later our own world. Who gave me the right to make u feel sorry? So pls dont feel sorry." She felt that finally he regained his words.

A moment later the next lines r coming from him, "If u been with me all these 30 years of our marriage and gave me such a wonderful company without being in love with me, sorry dear...Im being more selfish that i wish to live many more years with my loving wife. Im being much more selfish by saying I need u in my life and i wont let u go that easily." He took her hands into his. She couldnt hold the thunderstorms anymore within her mind. They r coming out with a heavy rain of tears in her eyes. He held her tightly with his arms by wrapping her with a fierce hug and comforted her at his shoulders.

They r returning back to relish their most lovely years by loving more each other..

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യാത്രികന്‍ said...

6 months and no new posts...
is it a silence before the storm??? :)